by Tapsya Pandita
The way back is the hardest way.
A thought whizzing inside her head, guilt gnawing at her insides, tears departing,
anxieties rising, fingers pointing, fallen fallen, inside and out, no way back, no way
to undo, no way to save.
No way to save what had been lost, lost in a game of crazy,
mindless experimentation; playing with life, playing with fire, playing with the
polyfanged demons of revenge.
" I will show you how it works." she had blurted through her phone. How would she show him, she was the accused, the convicted, the fallen, the whore, the reverse model of how society worked.
A thought whizzing inside her head, guilt gnawing at her insides, tears departing,
anxieties rising, fingers pointing, fallen fallen, inside and out, no way back, no way
to undo, no way to save.
No way to save what had been lost, lost in a game of crazy,
mindless experimentation; playing with life, playing with fire, playing with the
polyfanged demons of revenge.
" I will show you how it works." she had blurted through her phone. How would she show him, she was the accused, the convicted, the fallen, the whore, the reverse model of how society worked.
"It would be fun. Trust me. We are just two people who want something interesting, something hot happening in our lives." He was right. " And, the fact that we'd love without expecting, without influencing, and, without pestering one another. And, we are always free to leave if we find something more interesting, better satisfying, new and adventerous." Convincing. Challenging. Unusual. So, she went for it. After being mugged by someone she loved, this was how she decided to forget, to change, to lose those emotions that had transformed to cruel, stinging agony. This was her way, the path that crumbled behind with every step forward.
Why was it so bad, or,was it, at all? Because, good and bad is totally subjective. Her decision to be purely carnal, keeping aside the emotional part of her being, considering how weaker she became in the aching shade of its bower, however,was not so acceptable to those protectors of orthodoxy, of custom,and, of imposed conventional morality. So, she had to bear it. SHE.
"Don't tell me you are talking to a guy who only wants to have sex with you." she had her friends advising her, scolding her ; she was a threat to the assumed morality. " He will tell his friends, they'll tell their friends, and, do you realise how that'll screw your life?" Prudent questions, hasty decisions. "He won't. Why would he? Look, this is risk, and, this is fun. This is new; I want to do it."
From thereon started those sex chats; this was a new-found variety of fun, without limits or responsibilities, without boundations or commitments. There she detached herself from that hypocratic concept of pure love, devoid of carnality, pah!; ask those moralists, she thought, if there is any love that doesn't emerge from the murky puddle of greed! She was right, but alas!, who would have allowed this hard rational truth to free humankind from the iron shackles of deadly decorum?
Two weeks later, College : She enters the college, walks on the pavement,towards the white and brown block, on the plaque- PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, her heart beats faster, faster faster,she looks around, condescending glances, contempt, scorn.
"How would you explain this?", a screenshot, a sexchat, and, though the principal was himself aroused beneath his table, he chose to overrule the effect and rather concentrate on the semantics and the whole bunch of notions attached to those beautiful efficacious words.
" Th...tha..this? Nothing. Was just a joke..."
" You are not suppossed to post this screenshot on the college group. Are you?"
" But, but i didn't! " She never knew what it had come to. How was that screenshot on the college group? Oh God, what a scandal ahead!, how was this going to be dealt with? " Sir, I swear I didn't post this. You know me well, I would never do this. And, I have no idea how this happened. Maybe someone hacked into my account." Tears tears, yes, she had tears in her eyes. Her sexchat with that guy on the college group; she had suddenly started hating the whole concept of social networking. Then, suddenly, a swarm of professors flooded in. A score of them! She couldn't even breathe of embarrassment; she stole a deep breath when everyone was greeting the principal, and loaded it with the heaviest slang she knew.The professors sat all around her, comfortable on the couches while she sweated in her seat. They had to decide what to do with this dirty, soiled spirit. Who could have posted all that on the college group? Who could have, from her account? Who knew her password? The disciplinary committee gave the girl two days before they could decide on the course of action.
Meanwhile, let's come to the guy who she calls her friend. A good friend. This friend who loved her, had loved her, who had, in the fire of revenging her for rejecting his very pure and selfless love, decided to teach her how life worked, and taken her phone once, "Can I use your phone?", then committed the ignorant pure unknowing sin of an old village Sarpanch. Soused in evil voyeuristic feelings, he had opened her account, read those arousing conversations, and felt jealousy gripping his veins.That day, later in the evening, he told his friends and accepted all commendations for his brave work of standing up against his friend, and, for the good of social morality that was being soiled by a filthy woman. He had been a real protector. But, he too had friends as loyal as himself. The news spread sweeping hostels, flaring emotions, wreaking havoc.
" What? What the hell? How, why did you?"
No answer.
Beeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeep. A ton load she swore.
" This is how it works." He was calm. The calmest friend. He had waited, waited long for his revenge.
" I will show you how it works.", she shouted , then hung up.
Well, the college knew how the obscenity got posted, she wasn't to blame. But, sure everyone had got a good peek into her life. Now came her turn , witnesses came, innocent villagers who had heard the convict confessing. The principal, who still had his hand on his groin, gave his verdict against the friend. This was a breach of privacy He had suddenly started liking this girl more than he ever had. He wanted so much to oblige this strong girl, yes, "strong girl" he called her.
Now, coming back to our protagonist, what did she do? Did she drown herself into that ocean of grief on losing her privacy, on getting betrayed by someone she trusted? No, she did not. Did she learn the lesson of morality and stop chatting with that man who only wanted sex? No, she did not. How would she leave someone so honest about what he wanted, someone she could be honest with? How could she leave someone who believed in the business of pleasure, the only real but veiled desire of human existence? So she did not. She liked it, yeah, she liked it.
The people around her had suddenly changed, the boys had changed the girls had changed, the teachers had changed, even the principal had changed. There were contemptuous glances, scornful words and offensive complements. The college decided against the friend, the society decided against her.This was how morality flourished in the society. This was how judgements were passed, judgements to uphold virtue.
And, what did she do? Did she budge?The pleasure talks still continued, the moral brigade swaggered with pride knowing they had delivered justice. The pleasure flowed, she ignored the marching giants, and they kept taunting, the teachers kept scolding, the batchmates kept smiling viciously, everyone kept talking incessantly. But, she did not care. She did not.
Justice was delivered, but the judges deceived.
Why was it so bad, or,was it, at all? Because, good and bad is totally subjective. Her decision to be purely carnal, keeping aside the emotional part of her being, considering how weaker she became in the aching shade of its bower, however,was not so acceptable to those protectors of orthodoxy, of custom,and, of imposed conventional morality. So, she had to bear it. SHE.
"Don't tell me you are talking to a guy who only wants to have sex with you." she had her friends advising her, scolding her ; she was a threat to the assumed morality. " He will tell his friends, they'll tell their friends, and, do you realise how that'll screw your life?" Prudent questions, hasty decisions. "He won't. Why would he? Look, this is risk, and, this is fun. This is new; I want to do it."
From thereon started those sex chats; this was a new-found variety of fun, without limits or responsibilities, without boundations or commitments. There she detached herself from that hypocratic concept of pure love, devoid of carnality, pah!; ask those moralists, she thought, if there is any love that doesn't emerge from the murky puddle of greed! She was right, but alas!, who would have allowed this hard rational truth to free humankind from the iron shackles of deadly decorum?
Two weeks later, College : She enters the college, walks on the pavement,towards the white and brown block, on the plaque- PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, her heart beats faster, faster faster,she looks around, condescending glances, contempt, scorn.
"How would you explain this?", a screenshot, a sexchat, and, though the principal was himself aroused beneath his table, he chose to overrule the effect and rather concentrate on the semantics and the whole bunch of notions attached to those beautiful efficacious words.
" Th...tha..this? Nothing. Was just a joke..."
" You are not suppossed to post this screenshot on the college group. Are you?"
" But, but i didn't! " She never knew what it had come to. How was that screenshot on the college group? Oh God, what a scandal ahead!, how was this going to be dealt with? " Sir, I swear I didn't post this. You know me well, I would never do this. And, I have no idea how this happened. Maybe someone hacked into my account." Tears tears, yes, she had tears in her eyes. Her sexchat with that guy on the college group; she had suddenly started hating the whole concept of social networking. Then, suddenly, a swarm of professors flooded in. A score of them! She couldn't even breathe of embarrassment; she stole a deep breath when everyone was greeting the principal, and loaded it with the heaviest slang she knew.The professors sat all around her, comfortable on the couches while she sweated in her seat. They had to decide what to do with this dirty, soiled spirit. Who could have posted all that on the college group? Who could have, from her account? Who knew her password? The disciplinary committee gave the girl two days before they could decide on the course of action.
Meanwhile, let's come to the guy who she calls her friend. A good friend. This friend who loved her, had loved her, who had, in the fire of revenging her for rejecting his very pure and selfless love, decided to teach her how life worked, and taken her phone once, "Can I use your phone?", then committed the ignorant pure unknowing sin of an old village Sarpanch. Soused in evil voyeuristic feelings, he had opened her account, read those arousing conversations, and felt jealousy gripping his veins.That day, later in the evening, he told his friends and accepted all commendations for his brave work of standing up against his friend, and, for the good of social morality that was being soiled by a filthy woman. He had been a real protector. But, he too had friends as loyal as himself. The news spread sweeping hostels, flaring emotions, wreaking havoc.
" What? What the hell? How, why did you?"
No answer.
Beeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeep. A ton load she swore.
" This is how it works." He was calm. The calmest friend. He had waited, waited long for his revenge.
" I will show you how it works.", she shouted , then hung up.
Well, the college knew how the obscenity got posted, she wasn't to blame. But, sure everyone had got a good peek into her life. Now came her turn , witnesses came, innocent villagers who had heard the convict confessing. The principal, who still had his hand on his groin, gave his verdict against the friend. This was a breach of privacy He had suddenly started liking this girl more than he ever had. He wanted so much to oblige this strong girl, yes, "strong girl" he called her.
Now, coming back to our protagonist, what did she do? Did she drown herself into that ocean of grief on losing her privacy, on getting betrayed by someone she trusted? No, she did not. Did she learn the lesson of morality and stop chatting with that man who only wanted sex? No, she did not. How would she leave someone so honest about what he wanted, someone she could be honest with? How could she leave someone who believed in the business of pleasure, the only real but veiled desire of human existence? So she did not. She liked it, yeah, she liked it.
The people around her had suddenly changed, the boys had changed the girls had changed, the teachers had changed, even the principal had changed. There were contemptuous glances, scornful words and offensive complements. The college decided against the friend, the society decided against her.This was how morality flourished in the society. This was how judgements were passed, judgements to uphold virtue.
And, what did she do? Did she budge?The pleasure talks still continued, the moral brigade swaggered with pride knowing they had delivered justice. The pleasure flowed, she ignored the marching giants, and they kept taunting, the teachers kept scolding, the batchmates kept smiling viciously, everyone kept talking incessantly. But, she did not care. She did not.
Justice was delivered, but the judges deceived.