by Sharon Tess Joy
I watched as the sun set in the distant horizon. Autumn leaves flew by my feet. It’s getting cold, I thought to myself. Winter must be approaching soon.
I knew it wasn’t the cold that bothered me. There was this heavy unsettling feeling in my heart. I knew it was over. I knew it. Then why do I feel so numb? He left without saying goodbye. There was a time I wished this would happen. I really did. Then, why do I feel this regret?
The park bench I was sitting on was cold and hard. It was painted a murky brown. This was my seat in the park. I came and sat here often. And now I knew this was going to be the last time that I would be sitting here.
I lifted my head up and stared at the darkening skies. There was this unexplainable storm in my head. Was it sadness? Am I sad? Should I be sad? The first friend I ever made, decided to leave all of a sudden, and he did.
I knew it wasn’t the cold that bothered me. There was this heavy unsettling feeling in my heart. I knew it was over. I knew it. Then why do I feel so numb? He left without saying goodbye. There was a time I wished this would happen. I really did. Then, why do I feel this regret?
The park bench I was sitting on was cold and hard. It was painted a murky brown. This was my seat in the park. I came and sat here often. And now I knew this was going to be the last time that I would be sitting here.
I lifted my head up and stared at the darkening skies. There was this unexplainable storm in my head. Was it sadness? Am I sad? Should I be sad? The first friend I ever made, decided to leave all of a sudden, and he did.
I try to remember what happened the other day. It’s all a blur. I usually forget moments like these. He was angry and threw a fit for some reason, I don’t know why, and he started beating me. I don’t remember him stopping either. He just kept beating me. Blow after blow. I tried running away, but he threw something at me. I ran and locked myself in one of the rooms, and I bit my fist so hard so I could stop myself from sobbing. It didn’t work. I cried, and I cried, till I passed out.
When did he become this monster? When did he change? Why did this happen to him? Where is my friend? Because I miss him so damn much that it hurts to even breathe.
I started reminiscing. Back to the beginning. To the beginning when Damien used to be a person. I must have been around nine, maybe ten years old. Damien was older than me by four years. He was always someone I used to look up to. Everybody loved Damien. He was a kind, caring and an innocent boy. He was my friend. The first friend I ever made. I remember how we used to hang out after school, and make fun of the teachers. He used to imitate Mr. Kenton well, the teacher from the physics department.
That’s the only happy memory I have of him. I know that there are more. But I can’t seem to recollect any of those. Just this one. Then he grew up, and left home to go to college. And I guess that’s where it all started. Maybe he couldn’t take the peer pressure. Maybe he was home sick. Maybe he missed his mother. I don’t know what exactly happened. But he withdrew from college and stayed home since. Things started going downhill from there. Damien was someone who was gifted with an IQ higher than bloody Einstein. But that Damien was no more. Everybody kept asking him what’s wrong. But they never got an answer. He was either absent minded, or he would walk away, teary-eyed.
I remembered how much I didn’t care about him that time. Sure, he and I were friends. But that stopped when he went to college. We didn’t keep in touch. And when he did come back, it felt like all those happy moments we shared never existed.
Eventually we figured out that he suffered from schizophrenia. I couldn’t believe it. I refused to accept it. I thought he was putting on a show. Then the violence began. He always spoke with his fists. I think I lost count of the number of times I was physically abused by him. Medication never worked for him. It felt like there was no end to this pain.
Did you ever feel like you were thrown in a well and you couldn’t get out? Have you ever felt like some was slowly sucking out the oxygen required for your survival? I don’t think we can define that feeling in a word, or a sentence. Watching someone you cared about, mentally wither away in front of your eyes, that’s not something one needs to see. That is something that should never be witnessed by a 17 year old. Something like that stays with you for the rest of your life. Every day was a day I wished I didn’t live to see. Every day I had to become someone else, to get by. Damien was mentally unwell, so the sickness caused him to gain so much weight. Imagine, getting beaten up by someone who weighs a 103 kilograms. Every day. Every single day. I was only seventeen. I had absolutely no one to talk to. I couldn’t talk to anyone if I could. I just bore it all. Alone.
So I built this wall. Outside this wall, everything seemed to be okay. I carried this wall with me everywhere. School. Church. Tuition classes. Home. Everywhere. As I grew, so did this wall. I didn’t need to be human. Everything is so much easier when you don’t feel.
Three years went by, and he got worse. Whenever I got physically abused by him, I reacted. I screamed. I fought back. I got hurt more. I hated him. I hated him so much. I wished him dead. I lost my humanity. And I was okay with it.
A year passed by. My friends thought of me as a cold, calculating bitch. I was okay with it. But my harsh exterior made me unapproachable. I wasn’t able to connect with people. I kept judging everybody. I thought everybody had an ulterior motive. And that no one can be trusted. I blamed him. I blamed him for making me this person.
But now I’m in a place where I can never go away from. I want to go back. I want to do things I should have done. I want to erase the mistakes that I made. I want to take all that back. I want him back. I want to say I’m sorry. I want to tell him things that I should have long before. I want him to comeback. I want to tell him that I’m sorry for never understanding him. I want to tell him that I never hated him. I want to tell him that it’s not his fault. That it never was his fault. I miss him so much that I feel like my heart can’t beat on its own. I want to tell him that I’m grateful. That I’m grateful for the times he was there for me. That I’m grateful for the times he took care of me. That I’m grateful for the memories we shared. I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him not to leave. I want to tell him that I forgive him. I want to say that I’m sorry for never ever being there for him. For never looking out for him. For hating him when he only needed to be loved. For not helping him fight this illness. For giving up on our friendship. For giving up on myself.
I shed tears that took me years to hold back. I lost the one person who meant the world to me. And I let him leave. I let him go without saying goodbye. I just let him leave.
It was raining, but I didn’t feel the cold wet drenching me. I felt the release of the poison I held inside me for years. And it took me all this to let it go.
“Serena? Serena!!”
It took me a while to snap out of my thoughts. I turned to look at who was calling my name. A small figure of a woman with an umbrella stood a little far from me. It’s Elissa. She called out.
“Serena, what are you doing here? Don’t you have to be at the hospital?”
“Not anymore.” I choked on my words.
She looked confused. “What? What will he think? How is he anyway? How’s Damien?”
Serena looked at her. “My brother?” she paused for a minute, “He passed away today morning.”
I’m not telling you how Damien died. Some of you might know what happened. Some of you might not. I’m not asking you to guess. I don’t how you feel after reading this.
Do you sympathize with Damien? He was wrong to hurt his family. But he was losing his mind. Being harsh to people who aren’t well, like Damien, may seem easy. But it’s wrong. They need to be treated with love. Love heals all wounds. And it’s very true.
I just want to tell you something about Serena. She’s been through a lot. A lot of you may sympathize with her. But the truth is, she was at fault. She’s never known a moment’s peace. It’s because she closed her heart to everybody. She couldn’t forgive him because of bitterness she held on to.
Life is short. We live everyday fighting with the people we love and care about. And what makes us selfish is that we forget that some people don’t have the same amount of time we do. Life is unfair and there is nothing we can do to change that. But what we can do is hold those loved ones close, and tell them that they are very much loved. Don’t let them slip away because of the bad that happened. If you’re hurt, don’t hold it in. Let go of your anger. Cry. And then cry some more. Let go of your frustration. Talk to people. Because, there is someone out there who will give you the strength to bear it all.
Remember the good. Fight for the good. Fight for the happiness. Forget all the bad, and embrace your life. Forgive and move on. Love, and be loved, my friend.
When did he become this monster? When did he change? Why did this happen to him? Where is my friend? Because I miss him so damn much that it hurts to even breathe.
I started reminiscing. Back to the beginning. To the beginning when Damien used to be a person. I must have been around nine, maybe ten years old. Damien was older than me by four years. He was always someone I used to look up to. Everybody loved Damien. He was a kind, caring and an innocent boy. He was my friend. The first friend I ever made. I remember how we used to hang out after school, and make fun of the teachers. He used to imitate Mr. Kenton well, the teacher from the physics department.
That’s the only happy memory I have of him. I know that there are more. But I can’t seem to recollect any of those. Just this one. Then he grew up, and left home to go to college. And I guess that’s where it all started. Maybe he couldn’t take the peer pressure. Maybe he was home sick. Maybe he missed his mother. I don’t know what exactly happened. But he withdrew from college and stayed home since. Things started going downhill from there. Damien was someone who was gifted with an IQ higher than bloody Einstein. But that Damien was no more. Everybody kept asking him what’s wrong. But they never got an answer. He was either absent minded, or he would walk away, teary-eyed.
I remembered how much I didn’t care about him that time. Sure, he and I were friends. But that stopped when he went to college. We didn’t keep in touch. And when he did come back, it felt like all those happy moments we shared never existed.
Eventually we figured out that he suffered from schizophrenia. I couldn’t believe it. I refused to accept it. I thought he was putting on a show. Then the violence began. He always spoke with his fists. I think I lost count of the number of times I was physically abused by him. Medication never worked for him. It felt like there was no end to this pain.
Did you ever feel like you were thrown in a well and you couldn’t get out? Have you ever felt like some was slowly sucking out the oxygen required for your survival? I don’t think we can define that feeling in a word, or a sentence. Watching someone you cared about, mentally wither away in front of your eyes, that’s not something one needs to see. That is something that should never be witnessed by a 17 year old. Something like that stays with you for the rest of your life. Every day was a day I wished I didn’t live to see. Every day I had to become someone else, to get by. Damien was mentally unwell, so the sickness caused him to gain so much weight. Imagine, getting beaten up by someone who weighs a 103 kilograms. Every day. Every single day. I was only seventeen. I had absolutely no one to talk to. I couldn’t talk to anyone if I could. I just bore it all. Alone.
So I built this wall. Outside this wall, everything seemed to be okay. I carried this wall with me everywhere. School. Church. Tuition classes. Home. Everywhere. As I grew, so did this wall. I didn’t need to be human. Everything is so much easier when you don’t feel.
Three years went by, and he got worse. Whenever I got physically abused by him, I reacted. I screamed. I fought back. I got hurt more. I hated him. I hated him so much. I wished him dead. I lost my humanity. And I was okay with it.
A year passed by. My friends thought of me as a cold, calculating bitch. I was okay with it. But my harsh exterior made me unapproachable. I wasn’t able to connect with people. I kept judging everybody. I thought everybody had an ulterior motive. And that no one can be trusted. I blamed him. I blamed him for making me this person.
But now I’m in a place where I can never go away from. I want to go back. I want to do things I should have done. I want to erase the mistakes that I made. I want to take all that back. I want him back. I want to say I’m sorry. I want to tell him things that I should have long before. I want him to comeback. I want to tell him that I’m sorry for never understanding him. I want to tell him that I never hated him. I want to tell him that it’s not his fault. That it never was his fault. I miss him so much that I feel like my heart can’t beat on its own. I want to tell him that I’m grateful. That I’m grateful for the times he was there for me. That I’m grateful for the times he took care of me. That I’m grateful for the memories we shared. I want to tell him that I miss him. I want to tell him not to leave. I want to tell him that I forgive him. I want to say that I’m sorry for never ever being there for him. For never looking out for him. For hating him when he only needed to be loved. For not helping him fight this illness. For giving up on our friendship. For giving up on myself.
I shed tears that took me years to hold back. I lost the one person who meant the world to me. And I let him leave. I let him go without saying goodbye. I just let him leave.
It was raining, but I didn’t feel the cold wet drenching me. I felt the release of the poison I held inside me for years. And it took me all this to let it go.
“Serena? Serena!!”
It took me a while to snap out of my thoughts. I turned to look at who was calling my name. A small figure of a woman with an umbrella stood a little far from me. It’s Elissa. She called out.
“Serena, what are you doing here? Don’t you have to be at the hospital?”
“Not anymore.” I choked on my words.
She looked confused. “What? What will he think? How is he anyway? How’s Damien?”
Serena looked at her. “My brother?” she paused for a minute, “He passed away today morning.”
I’m not telling you how Damien died. Some of you might know what happened. Some of you might not. I’m not asking you to guess. I don’t how you feel after reading this.
Do you sympathize with Damien? He was wrong to hurt his family. But he was losing his mind. Being harsh to people who aren’t well, like Damien, may seem easy. But it’s wrong. They need to be treated with love. Love heals all wounds. And it’s very true.
I just want to tell you something about Serena. She’s been through a lot. A lot of you may sympathize with her. But the truth is, she was at fault. She’s never known a moment’s peace. It’s because she closed her heart to everybody. She couldn’t forgive him because of bitterness she held on to.
Life is short. We live everyday fighting with the people we love and care about. And what makes us selfish is that we forget that some people don’t have the same amount of time we do. Life is unfair and there is nothing we can do to change that. But what we can do is hold those loved ones close, and tell them that they are very much loved. Don’t let them slip away because of the bad that happened. If you’re hurt, don’t hold it in. Let go of your anger. Cry. And then cry some more. Let go of your frustration. Talk to people. Because, there is someone out there who will give you the strength to bear it all.
Remember the good. Fight for the good. Fight for the happiness. Forget all the bad, and embrace your life. Forgive and move on. Love, and be loved, my friend.
If you have liked this, you will surely like Sharon's other article titled "Are you happy?". go ahead, and read through.