by Sharon Tess Joy.
“Are you happy?”
In the beginning, I thought there was no point in seeing a counselor. I still think there is no point to it. But then I thought I might as well have this 70-year-old man to talk to. It’s better than not talking to anyone at all. This was the main reason why even started seeing this dude.
So, getting back to my point. I am in his office.
I asked myself. Anna, are you happy? I started analyzing everything, everything that has happened so far. I’m recovering from clinical depression, so that’s good right? I lost a few of friends in the process. There were a lot of friends. Friends never mattered much to me. Still don’t. But there were these three people I knew that mattered.
Marie. I met her on the first day of college. It was like a spark, we became the best of friends. We’ve been through thick and thin, no joke. But for the past year and a half, we’ve been a little off. I don’t blame her. We both have busy lives.
My best bud, Alexa, I’ve known for 13 years. She is like my soul mate. A lot of people have this misunderstanding that a soul mate is someone usually from the opposite sex. Not necessarily. And it’s not necessary that you have to have just one soul mate. I found my soul mate. She was my best friend, the sister I never had. She was the joy during my times of sorrow, the smile on my face. She isn’t with me now, but in an entirely different time zone. I don’t get to talk to her, maybe once or twice a month. Every time I look at a picture of us, I get that wrenching feeling in my heart. I love her. I truly do. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I don’t get to see her, or talk to her. My heart aches when I think about the times we shared. What if I don’t get to be that way with her anymore?
Then, there was John. My life took a ‘180’ since I met him. I never thought much about him at first. He took the initiative to get to know me. And I liked it. And I liked him. And he liked me. We had this weird, awesome friendship plus sexual tension going on. Oh yes, it was fun. But above all, he was my friend. He was there for me, once upon a time. Then he changed. Just like that. I didn’t know why, and I put myself through hell, trying to figure out what went so wrong that we couldn’t be friends anymore, and I still don’t know. He was the first best guy friend I had. ‘HAD’. So two, almost three years of friendship down the drain.
Then, there is engineering. I hate engineering. I know a lot of you readers, would sympathize with me here, but that’s not the point. It took me 2 whole years to realize this. I’m basically half way done through college. I hate myself for not having an aim. I like a lot of things, I love sketching, I love dancing, but I don’t love them enough to pursue them. And that’s the whole point, right?
If you love something or someone so damn much, you stop what you’re doing and you run! You pursue it, or him, or her, and you don’t stop until you catch hold of it/them! That’s the answer. That’s the answer to that question.
But what if you don’t love something enough? What if you don’t love someone enough? What then? Ever thought about that? I sure did. Do you let it go? Do you let him go? Do you let her go? Is it worth giving up? Is it worth fighting for?
More often than not, you don’t know the answer. And then you realize. You realize that you don’t really know yourself as well as you thought. How do you expect someone to understand you, if you can’t understand yourself?
So I sat in that chair, contemplating. The good, and the bad.
The counselor looked at me, calmly waiting for my reply.
“What if,” I said, “what if I don’t know the answer to that question?” I bit my lip. I looked away, not wanting to look at his face. Was I not getting better? Is this it? Is this all of it?
“Anna.”
“Yes sir?”
“So you don’t find a reason to be happy?”
I looked at him. I just looked at him. I looked at an old man who lost his wife 20 years ago. And he was smiling.
And I felt it. I felt a warm, tender feeling in my heart.
You know, you don’t always need to know the answers to everything in life. When you find the answer to one question, another ten may pop up. You don’t need to know how. You don’t need to know why. You don’t have to pull your shit together all the time. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You’re human. I’m human. And this is life. There is a saying; Life isn’t a bed of roses. Who ever said that, was putting it mildly. There are thorns. You prick your finger many a time. But guess what? It isn’t strong enough to kill you. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and you live another day. And another. And another. You let this sick world see who you are, with a smile on your face. You fight hard, you lose, and you win. It’s an endless battle. And there just isn’t a single reason fitting to it.
So you smile. You walk in this life given to you till you drop dead and you smile. And when you do die (natural, of course), you leave with a smile. Show the world you were victorious. They made you laugh, they made you cry. There is no reason to all that happens to you or around you. Even if there was, I suggest you don’t spend your life looking for it.
“I am happy.”
I smiled as I said those words.
He looked confused. One moment, I looked like a widow. And here I am smiling so much that my face hurts!
“Suddenly, why are you so happy?” He stresses on the ‘so’.
“Just like that.” I shrugged my shoulders and I grinned. “I don’t need a reason to be happy.”
He smiled. He had a look of pure joy on his face. “Goodbye, Anna.”
I took my bag and walked out the door. I felt alive. I walked down the stairs. I smiled as I got out of the building. I smiled at random people, who I haven’t met before in my life, and they smile back at me.
I made someone smile. I knew. I was right.
I’m happy. Are you?